


You Just Can't Get Close Enough

by thetrashofsomanythings



Category: In the Heights - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Love Triangles, M/M, OT3, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-07-29 07:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7674898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetrashofsomanythings/pseuds/thetrashofsomanythings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lincoln is struggling with feelings that Usnavi didn't know he shared. Writing them into a song helps, but he can't take this for long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Just Can't Get Close Enough

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LuckyGirl17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuckyGirl17/gifts).



> Heavily referencing this: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B4_XIFJ29V5ndzRiNHRkVFRIaFU/view?pref=2&pli=1  
> (I highly recommend listening to it).  
> Lincoln Rosario: a cut character from ITH who was meant to be involved in a love triangle with Benny and Nina. He's also my son.  
> ...It's 5:30 am.

The words kept replaying in Lincoln’s head. God, he was so stupid. “ _I’m ’a screw you so damn bad you’ll think I was your daddy?”_

And Benny’s reaction to it had been even worse, he had gotten all quiet and given him this weird look that made his heart stop beating and sucked the air from his lungs. He remembered that look perfectly, and it left a cold, hard pit in his stomach. He groaned and threw his head down into his hands once again.

Benny had seemed to be onto him. He was talking about that night where all the girls were there. He talked about it like he was so confident, like they were all over him. Lincoln had no reason to believe he wasn’t telling the truth. He was tall, strong, and handsome. His smile could make you melt and his smirk could make you _burn_.

He had asked why Lincoln hadn’t stayed. _Too painful,_ Lincoln wanted to reply. He didn’t. _“Even Usnavi got laid.”_ That one had made him chuckle. He had asked to hear his song. A smile had brushed off the outright refusal that had to follow. God forbid Benny ever heard Lincoln’s song. He’d know immediately how he felt, if he didn’t already.

He had asked him about his plans that night. _Shots with Usnavi._ Benny had asked him to come along. He scoffed at the idea. He talked about the girls. Girls. Girls, girls, girls. It was always girls.

 _“I’m waiting for the one who drives me crazy.”_ Benny. He had meant Benny. Benny drove him crazy. God, Benny drove him absolutely _mad._ Lincoln never wanted to relive the moment where he explained his hopeless crush on Benny to Benny and felt the obliviousness stab him right back through the heart. At least he had gotten a couple half-hearted laughs about it. And then they played. And Lincoln’s trash talk had brought him the most terrible moment of his life.

 _“I’m ’a screw you so damn bad you’ll think I was your daddy?”_ What was he _thinking?_

His room was starting to get stuffy, so he picked up his notebooks, pencils, and guitar. The air outside was just getting chilly, and the sun was just starting to set, painting the sky with a beautiful composite of pinks and oranges melting just behind the city skyline. He took a deep breath.

He walked for a while, trying to calm his thoughts and lull himself back into inspiration. It wasn’t too hard. Thoughts whirred through his head as he watched a happy couple stroll by, holding hands. The woman was smiling, giggling at the man’s joke.  He was looking at her like she was his entire world; like her laughter was the sweetest sound he had ever heard. God, he wished Benny would look at him like that. He hoped he could get his music to sound to Benny the way that woman’s laughter sounded to that man.

He climbed up a nearby fire escape and set his pencils down carefully so they wouldn’t fall through the grate. He picked up his guitar and strummed out a few chords of the first measure to get the right melody in his head. He scratched out his feelings onto the paper, scribbling out some rhymes that came just as easily as his thoughts. The words blurred, and he realized the presence of the tears welling in his eyes. He scrubbed at them angrily, feeling broken and lost.

After a few minutes of writing, he set down the notebook and picked up the guitar. He hummed as he found the right notes and slowly began to sing. As he sang, his eyes burned with more tears and his hands started to shake. He set down his guitar to erase some words and write others in their place. Then he fixed the rhyme scheme and the structure of the other lines. Once again, he picked up his guitar to play it out, fighting tears.

As the sun dipped below the horizon and the sky darkened, he set down his guitar and lay back against the grate floor of the fire escape to watch the last bit of light fade away. The world seemed calm above, but he could hear the noise of the streets coming from below. Nothing ever stopped. Behind all serenity was an undertone of quiet chaos. Lincoln sighed. He lifted his notebook weakly and scanned over his own lines. They seemed blatant, a direct transcript of his feelings. He groaned.

His grip slipped on the notebook, and it feel against his chest and slipped through the grate before he could catch it. It fell to the level below his, and he sat up. Staring down at it, his throat got tight, and the tears that had been threatening to spill finally fell from his eyes. His shoulders shook as he sobbed, the heels of his palms pressed against his eyes.

Everything felt hot and way too tight around him. He took shaking breaths and pulled a hand away from his face to squeeze at his twisting gut. His mouth tasted gross, like bile. Oh god, he did not want to throw up. He forced himself to regulate his breathing and looked up at the sky, both arms wrapping around his torso as he crumpled into himself.

 

Usnavi was walking by with a timid smile on his face, hands shoved into his pockets and squeezing into fists as he bit his lip to hold back a full out grin. He was going to his date with Vanessa, and while there were butterflies swimming in his stomach, they were pleasant. He was going to meet her about a block from the club, but he stopped when he heard something coming from the fire escape across the street. He looked up, and his face fell. Nina’s brother— _Lincoln._ He pulled out his phone and texted Vanessa saying he’d be late, sure she’d understand.

With a glance in either direction along the road, he hurried across and took a breath before climbing the fire escape. He saw the fallen notebook and picked it up, straightening out the bent pages and closing the cover. He tucked it under his arm as he walked up to the next level.

Lincoln’s head jolted up in surprise when he heard the metal clang of footsteps on the grate. When he saw Usnavi, he felt the urge to cry even harder, but he stopped himself. He just looked at his feet. Usnavi had what he could never have, a comfortable, innocent relationship with Benny. It was casual and natural, and _God_ he wished he could have that.

“Hey…what’s wrong?” Usnavi asked. His voice was soft and comforting. He sat down next to him and didn’t make a move to touch him, which Lincoln was grateful for. He took a shaky breath before trying to explain the situation to Usnavi.

“I… well, you see, I have a problem. There’s this… special person I have my eye on but… she, _no,_ I’ll tell you. _He_ doesn’t know how I feel. It’s just—it’s just that I think he’s straight. He'll never be mine, and there’s nothing I can do about it.” The words seemed to flow easily. Usnavi was easy to talk to.

“Oh,” Usnavi said quietly. He looked down, and Lincoln looked back up at him. “I see. Well, that’s hard. I don’t, _well—_ ” He chuckled. “—I guess I really can’t know what that’s like. I’m sorry, it sounds rough.” He placed a hand on Lincoln’s shoulder sympathetically, and Lincoln found himself leaning into the comforting touch.

“Thanks,” Lincoln replied sincerely, a smile crossing his lips. There was a moment of silence, both of them staring at the ground, wallowing in the hopelessness of the situation, before Lincoln blurted out: “it’s Benny.” He hadn’t given himself time to consider it, scared he wouldn’t go through with it.

 _“Oh.”_ Usnavi said.

“Yeah,” Lincoln replied.

Usnavi chuckled. “Yeah, I see that happening. He’s nothing if not a lady killer.”

Lincoln’s heart clenched at the phrase. “It’s just… we’ve been friends for _so_ long, and it wasn’t until pretty recently when I figured out why I was always watching him, why everything seemed brighter when he was with me. I guess teenage me never put two and two together to conclude that maybe that fluttering your heart does when he’s there is because you’re in _love,_  you stupid idiot.” He laughed at himself to lighten the mood, although saying the word ‘love’ made his heart pound. He couldn’t deny it any more.

Usnavi was silent for a moment. When he looked back up, his eyes were wider than usual. Lincoln laughed out loud at that one.

“You too?” he asked with a giggle.

Usnavi nodded sheepishly and swallowed. “I think so. Well, then we’re in the same boat; in love with our very straight best friend. And I was about to go on a date with Vanessa!”

Lincoln snickered at that, although Usnavi using the same word to decisively describe his feelings for Benny haphazardly made him want to cringe. “Sorry, man, I didn’t mean to do that to you. You were peaceful, naïve.”

Usnavi playfully punched him and laughed. “It’s okay. I was probably going to cancel on her completely anyway from the second I knew you really weren’t okay.”

“I appreciate that, but you should get back to her. Maybe you’ll get over Benny. ‘S too late for me. I ain’t ever even kissed a guy.”

Usnavi gave him a disjointed smile at that. He leaned against Lincoln’s shoulder. “I kissed a girl once. It’s not everything it’s cracked up to be, trust me on that. Real life doesn’t have fireworks going off when you kiss somebody.”

There was a little peace, an air that they’d given up as they laughed together. As they did, Benny was walking on the sidewalk below them. He looked up and smiled. His two best friends were finally hanging out together. He climbed the fire escape and popped up next to them.

“Hey, little homie, little dude,” he greeted, nodding to each of them in turn. Lincoln immediately looked away, terrified that Benny would see he’d been crying. He wiped at his cheeks.

“So… what are you guys up to?” Benny asked when he didn’t get a response from either of them. He had a smile on his face, a smile that seemed to be reducing Usnavi to a puddle.

“W-well, we were… you see…” Usanvi stuttered, desperately searching for an excuse that wouldn’t out Lincoln. “Lincoln was showing me his song that he wrote!”

Lincoln’s head jolted up and his eyes flashed wide. No, no, _no!_ Benny couldn’t see his song! He hadn’t gotten time to change the pronouns or make it even a little more subtle! Before he could rationally process it, his notebook was in Benny’s hands. _No._

“Cool! Can I read?” Benny asked. ‘ _No!’_ screamed Lincoln in his mind. He didn’t get a chance to articulate this thought before Benny was reading over his lyrics. He bit his lip and watched, helplessly.

At first, there was a smile on Benny’s face. “This is really good!” he commented, making Lincoln smile nervously and nod. As he continued to read over it, his smile faded, and he looked closer, rereading a few lines. Realization came over his face, and his mouth fell open. “Lincoln, I—”

He didn’t get the chance to get much out before Lincoln was bolting down the fire escape and onto the sidewalk, clutching his guitar. He ran as fast as his feet could carry him, heart pounding in his ears and panicked thoughts causing havoc in his mind. He bumped into someone and didn’t even stop to say sorry as she staggered, only glancing back to make sure she didn’t fall.

Usnavi watched Lincoln run away, knowing he’d fucked up. He sighed.

Benny could barely speak. “Is this all true?” he asked meekly.

Usnavi nodded.

“He… he…”

Usnavi nodded.

“Oh my god, I have to go get him.”


End file.
